


Once

by wildwordwomyn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-24
Updated: 2008-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite misgivings about facing his demons Jared takes Jensen home to meet his family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once

**Author's Note:**

> Got the idea of this story from Jim Grimsley's "Comfort and Joy". Hopefully he'll never read this and be disappointed.
> 
> AU of sorts. Established romantic relationship between the boys, who are still actors on 'Supernatural', but there's an abusive background for Jared and his family. It's another dark one and it's not happy in the conventional way of slash fics but everything works out in the end. Told from Jared's POV.

“I lived here once.” I say this quietly, hesitantly, afraid if the words are delivered in a normal tone I won’t be able to take them back. Ever. But I won’t anyway. It’s too late. “I lived here once,” I repeat. “Back then the house seemed larger, darker, meaner. But it wasn’t. That was just how everything was then.”

Fifty miles north of Dallas we’re in a middle-income, little town that shows on no maps. The house is on Wellborn Avenue, in the middle of six other houses. But you wouldn’t know it with all the acreage. We stare at the walls, Jen and I. Watch how they close in around us. I want to tell him this is how it was then, too. I used to believe the house would swallow me whole one day. And it did. Now it only has three main sides with a front door that hangs off its hinges and a second floor sinking into itself. The windows are all open, a strong southern wind causing the plastic sheeting covering them to flutter. It’s obvious as we walk through that people, most likely teenagers, have been using it as a hiding place. Why not? Surrounded by woods with a small ravine one hundred feet off the back porch? Perfect place to find shelter. Only I seriously consider leaving a sign telling them to leave and never come back, that they’re not safe after all. I’m still here, haunting every nook and cranny along with what’s left of the rest of my family.

I get lost wandering around, seeing how it all looked when I was young and innocent. When I stopped being both. I remember Mama’s voice singing church hymns in the first floor bathroom as she brushed her long, lush chestnut hair, her voice sweet and high as only contentment made it. Before, when my real daddy was alive and she was happy and my brother and sister and I had a playmate who never laid a hand on us out of anger. He used to sing, too. It was how they met, being part of the same gospel choir. They had perfect harmony. We all knew it. Made them sing us to sleep at night just because.

“That was the hardest part when Daddy died. The silence. No one sang anymore. Especially Mama. Then she married Del and he moved in here and changed it all.”

Jen follows behind me as I climb the rickety stairs. I hear him warn me that they aren’t sturdy, to come back. I can’t though. I head to where it all started. I expect the bedroom where I was born to be bare but it’s not. Their bed is still here, front and center as always. Filling the space like a big white ghost. Seeing it still in tact, the mattress stained a rusty old red almost everywhere, imagining some stranger sleeping in it as if it’s just a bed, brings it all back.

“I was born here.” I point to an older stain on the lower left corner. “When I asked why she wouldn’t get a new bed Mama said she wanted the reminder of what a miracle I was.” My small smile is hollow. “She didn’t know…” I look up at the wall on the opposite side of the bed. I remind myself that I’m a man now, a successful small-time actor, and Mama has married someone new who is almost as good to her as my daddy was. I remind myself but it doesn’t work. I can still feel Del in here with me. “This bed…I used to dream about burning it, with him still in it. Used to dream about watching him become something I could blow away like cigarette smoke. I’d wake up with my jaws aching from smiling until I’d realize I was only dreaming.”

“Jay? Jay, we should go.”

“Know why I always loved the “Nightmare On Elm Street” horror movies? Because I wished Freddy would come get Del in his sleep. I’d go downstairs for breakfast every morning hoping Mama would tell me he’d been killed in some freak accident during the night and it’d really be Freddy’s doing…” I trail off, knowing I’m scaring Jen, knowing he’s not used to seeing this side of me, unable to stop talking now that I’ve started.

“Jay, you’re crying.” He comes to stand behind me and slips his arms slowly around my waist, aware that any sudden movement on his part could send me running.

“What?” My hand rises to touch a surprisingly damp cheek. I wipe the tears away distractedly.

“Your mama’s expecting us for dinner. Let’s get a move on. I wouldn’t wanna be late my first time visiting her.”

Somehow it’s enough to take my mind away from the memories threatening to consume it. “Yeah. Okay.” But when we leave the room I back out as if Del is still keeping an eye on me.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Bout time you boys showed up. I was startin’ to worry ‘bout you,” Mama calls out from the front porch of the new house Jim bought her. It’s not half as big as the one we had before, not filled with a costly brittleness like when Del lived with us. It’s warm and solid and holds Mama because that’s what it was built to do. Jim’s laughter, though not the rich baritone of Daddy’s, eases my fears.

“You didn’t take route 5, didja? You know there’s too much damn traffic on the 5,” Jim half-grins, sizing Jen up more openly than Mama is. Jim is shorter than Jen, stockier, his right temple scarred by a glue gun accident fifteen years ago on a construction job site he was working. He looks rough, intimidating, but he’s honest and hard-working, predictable, dependable, nice. When he smiles Jim is even, somehow, handsome. Everything Del wasn’t. A part of me wants Jen to notice, to understand what it takes for Jim to still be here, for us to still be here.

Mama hugs me just tight enough then lets go before I do. “How was the ride?”

“Long,” I answer honestly. I wonder if she can see the effects of our detour on my face. “But worth it.” I grin and pick her up, swinging her around in one big loop before her protests to put her down become desperate. “How y’all doin’?”

“So you’re Jensen,” Jim remarks, eyeing him. Jen looks at me, unsure, turns to face Jim again.

“Yes, sir. Jensen Ackles, sir.” I can tell the ‘sir’ settles on Jim like a thick blanket on a cold night. “It’s nice to meet you.” The sentence comes out more sincerely than I thought it would or could. Mama and I watch the exchange, my question all but forgotten.

They stand for a second, wary, until Jim suddenly smiles so wide his eyes crinkle and sticks out a hand. “Well, son, your mama definitely raised you right.” Jensen returns the smile and shakes his hand like the southern gentleman he is.

After this moment it doesn’t matter to Jim that Jensen is gay, that he is my lover, that we will be sleeping together in the same bed in his house. Calling him ‘son’ makes that clear. I find myself wondering if Mama will be able to fit him into our family as painlessly.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“He’s a good guy, your Jim,” Jen says later when we’re getting ready for bed. I want to dispute the ‘your’ part but I don’t. I don’t feel like letting any demons out at the moment. And in a way it makes sense.

“Yeah, he is,” I agree.

They talked about fishing all throughout dinner and dessert. When they weren’t talking about that Jen was talking about home-cooked meals he never got from his parents. It helps that he compliments Mama’s roasted turkey and creamy mashed potatoes with gravy. Even the steamed vegetables get an honorable mention. She flushes slightly, trying and failing not to be won over by Jen’s good manners. Every once in a while he lets a detail of our life together slip out and Mama winces a little. Jim hits the details out to left field and carries on with the conversation. I take it in, catch Jen becoming aware of it, too, but neither of us does anything about it. We all still need some time.

“How old were you when your mama married him?” He slips quickly under the covers. I can’t blame him. Jim is warm-blooded and likes to keep the house at a cool 65 degrees.

“Old. Sixteen.” I strip down to my t-shirt and boxers and climb in after him. “On their first date he took us all bowling.”

Jen takes me in his arms, snuggling up close to my side. “Why would he do that?”

“Mama. She wanted to see how he would be with us. So every date for six months included me, Meg and Josh. He never complained. I think he knew how important it was to show he could handle being our new daddy.”

“Guess he passed with flying colors.” I nod. “You okay being in Dallas again, seeing her and being so close to it all?”

I inhale through my nose, exhale more slowly through my mouth. He can hear it whistling in the dark. “Yes. But I wouldn’t be if you weren’t here.” I turn, bury my nose in his hair and cloak myself in the familiar smell of Head and Shoulders shampoo.

I soon fall asleep to soft puffs of air against my cheek. For a while there are no dreams, no nightmares, no nothing. Peace. Then Del’s wide slash of a mouth grinning down at me. Fear lodging in my throat. My eyes squeezed shut against his advance. His hands, large and fleshy, heavy on my wet cheeks, my bare chest, my tense thighs. My lips stretched around a scream that can’t escape. Forced to accommodate a body three times the size of my own, unable to make the necessary room and paying for it in stinging slaps and tearing thrusts. Wanting, trying, to disappear into the wall. Hitting my head again and again until blood begins to pour down my temple and I pass out. Del’s hands bringing me back seconds later. No denying the inevitable…

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Early the next morning he makes no comments about my worn expression. We shower separately, dress and hug quickly, head around the corner to the kitchen for breakfast. Mama is up and fixing pancakes, scrambled eggs and sausage patties, my favorite. I mumble a good morning to her and Jim, who’s grumbling while drinking some breakfast drink created specifically for diabetics like him. Mama looks into my eyes, noting the bags under them but doesn’t ask the obvious. Instead she asks Jen if he slept well. Jen, being the morning person he is, smiles brightly and answers in the affirmative. Coffee and orange juice is passed around. Mama lightly smacks Jim’s hand when he reached for the juice. He grumbles more loudly about flavorless food diets and the inaccuracy of medical tests and fool doctors not knowing their asses from their elbows. Mama just smiles sweetly at him while Jen and I hold in our laughter.

“Whadya think, J.T.?” Jim asks me an hour later in the grocery store where Mama sent us to pick up supplies for this afternoon’s cookout. He looks me in the eye, holding up the rack of baby back ribs.

“Little fat,” I respond, distracted by the thought of Jen and my mama alone back at the house. I wonder what he’s saying to her, what she’s not saying to him. “They on sale?”

“Of course. You think your mama would let me buy anything if it wasn’t?” We grin.

“She give you a list?”

“Always. Like I didn’t survive on my own before her.” We roll a cart to the next aisle in search of potato chips. “Look for the baked crap. It’s all I’m allowed.”

“Aw, man. I’m sorry.” I laugh, though. Can’t help it. Jim shrugs with a ‘What can you do?’ eyebrow quirk.

In the check out lane we start unloading our cart onto the conveyor belt. We decide he will pay for everything but the Oreos I slipped into the cart at the last second as long as I give him some and don’t tell Mama. The bill comes up to $103.94. I have at least $200 in my wallet but don’t offer any of it out of respect. We talk about ‘Supernatural’ and some of the stunts I get to do on the way back. Jim likes the show and tells me he’s proud of my work on it all the time. Today is no different. The conversation ends abruptly when I blush, as I always do when he compliments me. I am still, after almost ten years, unprepared for his kindness.

“…So…” he begins. “…This Jensen character. Seems like a fine man. Is he?” I feel him glance at me.

“Yes, sir,” I say, blushing more now. Jim isn’t angling for details of our romance but I’m embarrassed all the same.

“Your mama worries. Told her she doesn’t need to. You’re a good person and you’re grown up enough to take care of yourself. Maybe she’ll see that now.” He keeps driving, his hands on the steering wheel lean and light. I watch them as I work to calm my inflamed cheeks. I wonder what they feel like, if they are as tender with my mama’s thin skin as they look. “You can tell lots ‘bout a man by his eyes. Jensen’s got kind eyes. Don’t matter what anybody says, a man with kind eyes is a good man. You remember that, J.T. His eyes ever change? You leave and you never go back. You come here and stay as long as you need.”

Jim hardly ever touches me with his hands. He doesn’t need to. His words are more than enough.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mama starts on the potato and pasta salads while Jim fires up the backyard grill. I wait anxiously for Josh and Meg to show, wishing I could hold Jen’s hand. My fingers itch with the effort. I know no one would say anything out loud if I did it. Some looks would pass between everyone. Nothing I couldn’t ignore. Yet with Mama only a room away I feel frozen. And for some reason I need to keep him to myself for now.

“You still with me?” he asks softly in my ear.

“That obvious?” It disturbs me he can read me so well, can see how nervous I am about him being here, about being home.

“Yeah. But you know what?” He sneaks an arm around my shoulders. The contact grounds me. “I love you. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” I blush for a third time today. “And I think your mama and Jim like me.” He grins victoriously. “If I can win them over how hard can your brother and sister be?”

Josh’s loud laugh bursts through the front door. “You’re about to find out,” I whisper. “Brace yourself.”

Luckily Josh is on his best behavior during the cookout. Leaving it up to Meg to interrogate Jen on her own. The fact that she wants to be a private investigator after college graduation makes matters worse. She learns more about him in fifteen minutes than I did during our first fifteen dates. The whole time Josh listens intently, occasionally injecting his own questions. By the end they mutually agree that it’s okay for me to keep dating him. We all laugh until Josh adds, completely serious, that he is an expert marksman and knows how to hide things so they’ll never be found. It’s an expected ‘just in case’ comment, although Jen visibly gulps when he sees Josh’s face.

Josh’s kids use me as a tree and climb all over me before and after eating. Jen laughs and plays Frisbee with Meg. Jim keeps manning the grill while Mama tries to convince Josh to get out of the tax business. Throughout the day Jen checks in with me, smiling across the yard, winking when Meg throws the Frisbee above his head.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“That man’s in great shape,” she tells me during a break from playing. “Wanna loan him out for a night? I’m between boyfriends.” She smirks.

“Nope. He’s mine.” I smirk back.

We watch him play touch football with Jim, Josh, my niece and nephew. “He’d make a good dad. You know he even wanted kids?”

“Haven’t really talked about it.” It’s not the truth but not a lie either. I know he wants them, just as he knows I don’t. We haven’t worked out yet what to do about this stalemate.

“Maybe you should. You won’t be like him if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“How do you know?” I look over at her. “Really. How?”

“’Cause you ain’t him. And Jensen won’t let you be like him. I can tell.”

“’Ain’t’?” I deflect the rest, pretend it’s unimportant. ”I’ma tell Mama!” I stand.

“Shuddup or else I’ll tell her ‘bout the gay porn magazine collection you used to stash under your bed!” She passes a challenging look my way.

“You wouldn’t…” I sit back down. Damn Meg for always fighting dirty.

“I would.” I curse under my breath. “Now, how’s life in cold Vancouver?”

“Cold.”

“J.T.!”

“What?”

“Come on. Give me something here.”

“Fine. It’s good.” I stick my tongue out at her childishly. “Happy now?”

“Is it?” She sounds eager, hopeful. “Really? He’s good to you?”

I’m surprised she wants to know, though I shouldn’t be. Before we head back up to Canada Josh and Mama will be asking as well. Jen is the first person I’ve ever brought home to meet them. He’s the first I’ve ever allowed myself to love and it shows.

“He is, Meg. Don’t know why, but he is.” I bite the inside of my left cheek out of habit.

“Why wouldn’t he be? You deserve someone who’s good to you. But if he ever stops…” She doesn’t finish, doesn’t have to.

“I think Josh made that clear last night. Even Jim’s said something.” I grin as I tell her about our earlier conversation.

“Jim’s a good guy. Like your Jensen.” I look away purposely, blinking my eyes rapidly to stop sudden satisfied tears from falling.

“…Yeah…”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mama and I are the only ones still up at midnight. Meg has gone as well as Josh and his kids. Jim roams into bed around 9:30 while Jen holds out until an hour later.

“Guess the kids wore ‘em out,” Mama says quietly.

“Or Meg wore Jen out.”

“She means well, J.T.,” she admonishes.

“I know, I know.”

We’re sitting in the darkness of the enclosed patio, stars twinkling brightly in the sky above us.

“I like him. Jensen. He’s a good boy.” Now that Mama has endorsed him I breathe a little easier.

“…He likes you, too,” I say, my heart swelling with pride.

“Reminds me of your daddy somehow. Somethin’ ‘bout the way he stands or looks at you. Can’t quite put my finger on what it is but it’s there.” She brushes my knuckles with her fingertips briefly, tenderly. I sit speechless a second, savoring the touch. “He cares for you.”

I close my eyes, count to ten. “Yes, Ma’am.”

“Told me y’all stopped by the old house on your way down. Figured it’d be a pile o’ rubble by now.” I open my eyes again now that I know where this is leading, wishing I could look into hers. “You shouldn’na gone there. Nothin’ but trouble.”

“I had to, Mama. Had to see it, to know.”

“What’s to know? It was a bad place for all of us-“

“It still stands,” I blurt. “For the most part…The bed’s still there. And people have been through. Maybe even sleeping in it.” My gaze turns upward. No falling starts to hitch a dream to. I can feel the fear form in my gut, churning. I freeze, expecting Del to come out of the darkness.

“No more,” she states sternly. “Del’s gone, J.T. Dead and buried. And that bed can’t hurt you no more. That house can’t hurt you no more. We left it a long time ago.”

“Did we? I feel like a part of me never left…” I stand, go over to the screen door to listen to the sounds of the night. “I’m scared, Mama. Scared of living. Scared of dying. Scared of Jen. Always so scared. Still.” Finally I let the tears come.

“I know, son.” She comes to stand beside me. “But you an’ me, all of us, we’re survivors. That’s who our people are. We keep on keepin’ on ‘cause we have no other way…” She pats my back softly, lets her hand linger longer than usual. “You’ve always been a gift, Jared Tristan Padalecki. A beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime gift. I’ve never regretted you. And now I see you with this boy, this Jensen, and I can tell he knows you’re a gift, too. I just hope he makes up for all the wrong I’ve done you.”

“Oh, Mama!” When I turn she’s there to take me in her arms. She holds me willingly, patiently, and lets me cry long into the night.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

At 2am I crawl into bed with Jen. He’s sleeping soundlessly, comfortably. I want to wake him, persistently jealous of how easily he slips into dreamland, but I don’t. Instead I stay as still as possible as I lay there next to him. When he senses my presence he moves close to park his cheek on my chest and sighs contentedly. I stare at the ceiling, counting the paint pores until my eyelids grow heavy.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” he greets me late the next morning. “Your mama and Jim went to the store a little bit ago. Guess they’re planning a big feast tonight since we leave tomorrow.” He pecks my lips. “You didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“No.” I stare at Jen, thinking if Mama hadn’t pushed me to follow my dream of acting I never would’ve met him, thinking if I hadn’t willed myself to ask him out that first time we wouldn’t be here.

“What?” He cocks his head curiously.

“Just thinking I’m glad you’re here with me.” His smile blinds me with its brilliance. “I love you, Jen.”

“You better, ‘cause I happen to love you, too.”

I don’t stop him when he leans over to kiss me, to touch me. We don’t make love very often and this morning feels too vulnerable to chance pulling back. I need him with me, beside me, inside me. I need to feel for once that I’m not alone.

“You with me?” he whispers during a silent, slow thrust.

“Yes!” Urgent now, hungry. Craving his heated, silky skin on mine. “Please!”

“Don’t go, okay?” he urges. “Stay right here.” I know what he’s asking. And this time I can. I do. “I wanna feel this, feel you, every second.” His breath is shaky and sexy, sliding over me like a cool breeze as he strokes me with a confident grip.

It doesn’t take long before desire rages through us and I’m coming into his hand while he’s coming inside me. Afterwards we kiss lazily, lost in each other. The exquisiteness of this moment is more than I can bear. Ashamed, I bury my face in his neck as I cry softly.

“Hey, Jay. It’s okay.” He lifts my chin with a tender fingertip. “You stayed.”

I swipe at my face. “Yeah.”

“I’m glad.” He caresses my cheekbone, his eyes trained on mine, letting me see just how glad he is.

‘Me, too,’ I think. I lay there, knowing we should get moving, knowing my mama and Jim might catch us doing what we’re doing, but I don’t give a damn. Right now I am not afraid.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“This was a good visit,” Jim announces as Jen loads up the SUV with our luggage. We are leaving today after surviving a weekend with my family, and as sad as I am to be going, I can’t wait to get back to Vancouver and my life with Jen. “You come back home anytime. We’ll go fishing and grill some southern-style barbeque.”

“I’m always willing to fly, drive, or swim a thousand miles for barbeque. Especially yours, Jim. It’s worth it.” Jen grins and slings an arm loosely around his shoulders.

“This boy’s a charmer.” He winks at me. “But he ain’t tellin’ no lie.” He hugs Jen close without hesitation. I sigh, happy. “Anytime,” Jim repeats so we won’t forget.

“Bye, Mama,” I say, hugging Mama.

“You’ll call? Let me know you got back alright?” Her voice wobbles a little.

“Yup…” Then, “I’ll miss you,” whispered into her ear.

“…Oh, J.T., don’t be makin’ me cry!” She gently pushes me away, slapping my arm affectionately.

“Now, Jensen, don’t go thinkin’ you can leave without givin’ me a hug, too.”

She hugs him. I smile, surprised at how, even with her petite body being engulfed by his, she still manages to look like she’s holding her own. Right before letting him go she whispers something in his ear. Jim and I give each other a look, questioning, but neither of us bother. If they want us to know they’ll tell us.

“Be safe,” they call simultaneously as we get into our seats. “Be well.”

“Y’all, too.” And I mean it.

I wave as Jen drives off, not hesitating to take his free hand in mine. I push the button to roll down my window and close my eyes while the wind ruffles my hair. Home really is where the heart is.

“Ready?” Jen queries, a grin splitting his lips.

“Yeah…” I grin back. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
